It’s been a while since my last rules of soaps article, but I’ve been doing a lot of soap watching recently and have observed some interesting new rules.

Hanky Panky Rule 1 – STD Rule
If you’re having an affair or you have nookie with someone you shouldn’t you are 8 times more likely to get a sexually transmitted disease than normal. Once you have the disease you’re also very likely to accidentally pass it onto everyone in your family with hilarious consequences.

Hanky Panky Rule 2 – Conception Rule
This is a variation on ‘Hanky Panky Rule 1’: if you’re having an affair you are 12 times more likely to get pregnant than normal. If you’re a school girl and have sex you are 17 times more likely to get pregnant; don’t worry if this happens you can just claim you’re fat for 9 months then let your mum/aunt/big-sister pretend it’s her baby for 16 or so years.

Baby Rule 1 – Paternity Rule
If you do get pregnant you never know who the father is, of course the sensible thing would be to do a paternity test, but in soap-land people think it’s more fun just to guess! What I’d love to see is a soap-chatshow crossover where the members of Hollyoaks could go on the Jeremy Kyle show. FACT: If ever made this would be the greatest program in the world!

Baby Rule 2 – Car Rule
If a baby is left in the back of a car that car is 19 times more likely to be stolen than another car. The thieves will not realise there’s a baby in the back and will abandon the car once they notice.

That’s all for now soap fans, more rules of soaps coming soon. As always if you have noticed any rules yourself add them to the comments section.

Pete Graham xXx