After weeks of intensive research my highly dedicated team of scientist have managed to reverse engineer Becks Vier to discover its four ingredients. Brace yourselves the ingredients are:

• Piss
• Shit
• Blood
• Cum

Below if a picture of my face on receiving this starling news.

Now that I know the secret of the ingredients I plan to start brewing my own version of the larger over Christmas, it shall be named Becks Pierre.

Pete Graham xXx

I’m sure my giant avocado was emitting an eerie green alien luminance last night, very disturbing. Pretty sure its getting bigger too. I’ve discovered that there is a annual Avocado-Fest in California, where a competition is held to find the worlds biggest avocado. I plan to attend Avocado-Fest 2008 and claim the top prize.

Other avocado related news, a woman in America is suing Food Giants Kraft for selling Guacamole which only has 2% Avocado in its ingredients. Kraft is responding by renaming the product “Avocado flavoured”. Here’s the full story. This reminds me of the Americans that sued McDonalds for making them fat, ridiculous! Its like someone trying to sue me for stopping them working because they were reading my blog (ahem, TCAT Maths department/Enthusiasts).

Pete Graham xXx

ps. Anyone planning to sue me don’t bother, I have the same lawyer as OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson.

I know lots of my loyal readers are very keen to buy me a Christmas present or two, so here is my list of what I want from Santa this year:

1. Limited edition single of the ultra-rare Chico and Ricky Martin Duet
2. Life sized cut-outs of all of Girls aloud except the ginger-one
3. A giants dice: preferably monochrome, 6-sized, cubic with rounded edges
4. Davey Havok style clip-on Emo-swoop
5. Little Chris Calendar 2007
6. Arnold Schwarzeneggers Encyclopaedia of Modern Bodybuilding
7. A LCD speedometer, Corolla compatible
8. Snorkel and Flippers set
9. Some skin-tight white drain-pipe jeans like Johnny Borrell Wears
10. My weight in Bock Artois

Pictured above Davey Havok, best swoop in the world?

Pete Graham xXx

I was in the local Tesco’s this afternoon doing my weekly shop and stocking up on Vier’s, when something in the fruit and vegetables aisle caught my eye. For some reason the Tesco’s of Guildford had decided to stock their shelves with the biggest Avocado in the world. The beast of a fruit is pictured below.

FACT: The Avocado like the tomato is technically a Fruit not a vegetable.

I have decided that this Avocado is so big that could have only been produced using Alien Genetic Engineering technologies, in fact I suspect the giant Avocado may even been some form of Alien egg.

Lets analyse the evidence:

1. Its green; 58% aliens are green
2. The Checkout girl couldn’t find it on her till so I got it for free (almost like someone or something had planted it in the supermarket for me to find)
3. Its huge!

I have banned anyone from sitting on the Avocado/Alien-Egg in case that causes it to hatch. I shall be keeping a close eye on it monitoring for any paranormal activities.

Pete Graham xXx

I managed to get my hands on some pints of Bock on Tap at the Selkirk in Tooting on Friday night. Bock Artois is a 6.2% super-premium larger which completes the Atrois Tri-force of Peeterman Artois and Classic Stella. Bock Artois is a drink shrouded in mystery and urban myth so I would like to confirm a few facts about it.

FACT: Bock is a dark larger somewhat similar in flavour to Duvell
FACT: Drinking Bock is guaranteed to send you turbo! And should only be attempted under the supervision of a responsible adult

Below is a festive photo of me wearing a cardigan with a pint of Bock.

FACT: Chicks dig cardigans

Pete xXx

To conclude my amazing trilogy of things that I think are rubbish, the most rubbish things is paying £3.50 for a bottle of Carling, when you receive the bottle you find not only is it plastic but its also warm. This is what was happening at the Babyshambles gig at the Hammersmith Apollo last night. The gig itself was actually really good although, the crowd only got hyped-up when the Libertines tracks got played. Maybe smack-fiend Pete Docherty will pay some attention to this when he can get his head out of Kate Mosses growler for one minute.

Pictured above Kate Moss in a classic reading a book pose.

• FACT: Kate Moss now “has a belly” according to Heat Magazine
• FACT: Mosses can grow in temperatures just above freezing, but maximize their photosynthesis at 50° F. Photosynthesis cannot occur in temperatures above 70° F, therefore mosses shut down their growth when the temperature is hot and water is unavailable
• FACT: Kate Moss takes it up the bum, Tommy O says so

Pete Graham xXx

While I’m ranting about rubbish things today mySpace’s reliability seems to have gone tits up this week, most of the time I can’t login at all and just get a “sorry and unexpected error has occurred” message.

Twat faced mySpace creator Tom currently has 137144488 “friends”.

Pete Graham xXx

I’ve watched a few videos about the new Nintendo Wii console online and it looks very exciting, I think I’ll probably buy one in the new year. The consoles name is pronounced “We” incase you didn’t get the amazing Pun in the title of this blog.

Apparently the demand for the console is absolutely huge and many shops are struggling to get their grubby hands on enough consoles to satisfy the Wii-crazy Great British public. Other Wii related news some spackers* have been getting too excited and letting go of the remote while playing and smashing their TV’s hahahah!

Pete Graham xXx

* spacker is used here in the context of the playground insult and is not a reference to actual spastics

I am the only person that thinks the british sports personality of the years award is rubbish? Does anyone actually care who gets it? Apparently Horse Faced Princess Ann’s daughter might win it this year.. wahooo! I’d rather rate poo’s than watch that shit.

• FACT: Princess Ann opened the Super Dome at TCAT
• FACT: Pete Graham used to work at TCAT
• FACT: Pete Graham refused to meet Princess Ann because he thought they should have got a decent sports celebrity like Muhammad Ali, Gary Lineker or Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Pete Graham xXx

Looks like tesco are copying Apple’s Steve Jobs and getting in on the act of employing slave labour. The Supermarket giant has been paying the equivalent or 5p per an hour to factory workers employed to make their clothes, well how else can they sell jeans for £5. Ah I love the sweet sweet taste of exploitation! More details on Tesco and this story can be found here.

Pete Graham xXx